I've had a lot on my mind over the last two months or so. So much so that last night I ended up wandering up to a hill in the village where the ski lift is (that's never running) and sitting in the cold darkness talking to God. It was a a good conversation. It was a much needed conversation. It was one where I did all the talking and He did all the listening. And it all happened while staring at the vastness of the heavens. The stars. The occasional plane flying over. Listening to the low whine of a bus or two shifting gears as it ambled through the sleepy village below me. The church bell ringing out the announcement of a closing day. All while pouring out my burdens, joys,
questions, frustrations and praises to God. If it hadn't been so cold, I probably would've stayed there for hours.
Questions. Questions
usually lead to answers, but in my case they only lead to more questions... and very few answers, if any. My questions range from simple to hard, good to bad, joyful to fearful. The issue of How comes up a lot in my mind, followed by a blank. Then there's the What and the When... oh, and don't forget Where and Who. But mostly How. And then other people ask me some of the same questions, or different ones, and I just stare and shrug and pray and shrug and stare some more because I don't know. I
don't know. I don't
know! If I knew, I would tell you, him, her. If I knew, I would probably go bust a move in the streets doing the Happy Dance.
If I knew...
if I knew. But I don't... and all the unknowns consume much of my brain's storage capacity (I might need to upgrade to a bigger hard drive soon.)
However, despite the muddled brain, there's this inexplicable
joy that bursts forth before I can become too downtrodden. As much as I hate the helplessness of questions I can't answer, they hardly seem to matter because they get squashed by the overwhelming sensation of HAPPINESS that invades my brain and body when I think about where I am, what I'm doing, to whom I'm ministering, how I'm being ministered to/encouraged... that makes me want to go
JUMPING for joy like some child who was just told she would, in fact, be getting that pony AND her very own castle for her birthday after all! (Although in my case, I suppose it would be more along the lines of being told yes, I actually
am a Transformer and yes, I
do have powers/skills like Wolverine & Jason Bourne... and oh yeah, I
may go fly the fighter jet of my choice off an aircraft carrier in the middle of the ocean).
When I think about Why I have happiness-joy-delight, that is something I
can answer more or less to varying degrees. And when I'm completely honest with myself, the answer in part scares the heebie-jeebies out of me and in part doesn't. I like change; I
don't like feeling/becoming complacent. And since arriving in Z, I have yet to wonder what's next, to feel the need/desire to move on, to get the blankety-blank out of Dodge, to Run Away!, to plot my escape, to count down the days... which is what I've done most of the places I've lived/visited/ministered including Texas... and that, along with a couple other things, is kind of, well,
scary confusing
nauseatingly exciting.
While I can't say what the future holds for me or if I'll ever get the questions currently playing 'ring-a-around the rosie' in my head answered, I do know this: I am growing very fond of this village, and I'm growing even
fonder of the little church I'm co-leading at the moment, and I'm growing even
more fond of the people with/to whom I work/minister despite the hardships/frustrations/difficulties of being a female leader in a male chauvinist country to a culture I not only don't understand but can't relate to in any way, shape or form. Yes, yes... I'm kind of giddy as a school girl when I think about it, which is frequently... and it
literally scares the crap out of me all at the same time.
