In this new year and decade of my life I have gotten to a point where I'm doing a lot of self-examination of myself, and I'm finally willing and able to admit failures and faults; to turn off my blinders and see myself for who I really am, not for who I think I am. And through this process I have come to a lot of conclusions as I've thought, talked and prayed about and cried over. I won't go into all those details right now (those blog posts might come later), but the main point is I have decided to ask God, in his mercy, to grant me grace for today. I want to start taking more time enjoy each day as it comes - good, bad, ugly - and be held by grace as I go through it. Each day is a new day, full of new mercies, and I want to take the time to reflect upon and remember that instead of reflecting upon and worrying about what I must do or accomplish.
Yesterday is yesterday and I can't change it; I can ask for the forgiveness for shortcomings, amend things that need amending and reflect on the things I should improve on, but I can't change the actual events that happened. Tomorrow is tomorrow and holds new things ready to be accomplished and done and I can't worry about it because it's, well, tomorrow. So I am choosing to live in today. I am choosing to ask the Lord for His grace for today. To hold me, to guide me, to help me.
This new perspective (and my word! why has it taken me thirty years to realize this?!) has been a solid rock for me over the last few days as I've struggled to find joy in a job I really hate and find time to take for myself, to celebrate me and the life the Lord has given me.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Hello Thirties!
In the course of celebrating me and turning thirty Tuesday, I really wasn't sure how to go about celebrating as I had to teach and then in the evening babysit for a couple who lead a small group (something I do weekly). Well, I shouldn't have worried because in between the hectic schedule of the day I got the biggest and most unexpected and quite lovely surprise.
The manager of the school told me that I shouldn't take the third graders to lunch immediately on Tuesday because a five minute announcement needed to be made to all the students in the playroom, which is where we often assemble for various announcements and events so it didn't seem that odd. When I asked the manager if this announcement was something that concerned me as a teacher, since obviously I felt I'd missed a memo somewhere, he said, no, no, it didn't concern me whatsoever. So okay, whatever. I'll gather the kids in the playroom and then take them to lunch.
So lunch time rolls around and all the students are filing into the playroom along with homeroom teachers and school club helpers and administrative staff and I'm lingering in the back of the room awaiting an announcement and the next thing I know the roommate and my best Slovak friend are holding up a "Happy Birthday" banner and the entire school had turned around to face me and proceeded to erupt into a guitar-lead serenade: Heppy Birsday to You, Heppy Birsday to You, Heppy Biiiirsdaaay Meess Eemeelee, Heppy Birsday to Youuuu!!!
I was shocked. I laughed. And then I found myself crying (not sobbing, mind you, but just letting a few tears flow as the kindness, generosity and love of what the school had just done for me had begun to sink in). And then I was dragged to the middle of the room and was wished a happy and joyous year, handed flowers, a gift of Almond Milk and cards and pictures from various students. And then I was surrounded by first and third graders all pushing and pulling on each other to join in a huge group hug of their making that was followed by, "Happy birthday, Miss Emily!" and "I love you, Miss Emily!" Needless to say, it made the day very special and I felt very loved and accepted. There was a part of me that felt guilty that I was getting so much attention (this is not the norm for teachers on their birthday), but then I let that feeling go and decided to just enjoy the love and attention I was receiving. It was my day of birth and I chose celebration and it was a beautiful way to rejoice with others over the occasion.
The manager of the school told me that I shouldn't take the third graders to lunch immediately on Tuesday because a five minute announcement needed to be made to all the students in the playroom, which is where we often assemble for various announcements and events so it didn't seem that odd. When I asked the manager if this announcement was something that concerned me as a teacher, since obviously I felt I'd missed a memo somewhere, he said, no, no, it didn't concern me whatsoever. So okay, whatever. I'll gather the kids in the playroom and then take them to lunch.
So lunch time rolls around and all the students are filing into the playroom along with homeroom teachers and school club helpers and administrative staff and I'm lingering in the back of the room awaiting an announcement and the next thing I know the roommate and my best Slovak friend are holding up a "Happy Birthday" banner and the entire school had turned around to face me and proceeded to erupt into a guitar-lead serenade: Heppy Birsday to You, Heppy Birsday to You, Heppy Biiiirsdaaay Meess Eemeelee, Heppy Birsday to Youuuu!!!
I was shocked. I laughed. And then I found myself crying (not sobbing, mind you, but just letting a few tears flow as the kindness, generosity and love of what the school had just done for me had begun to sink in). And then I was dragged to the middle of the room and was wished a happy and joyous year, handed flowers, a gift of Almond Milk and cards and pictures from various students. And then I was surrounded by first and third graders all pushing and pulling on each other to join in a huge group hug of their making that was followed by, "Happy birthday, Miss Emily!" and "I love you, Miss Emily!" Needless to say, it made the day very special and I felt very loved and accepted. There was a part of me that felt guilty that I was getting so much attention (this is not the norm for teachers on their birthday), but then I let that feeling go and decided to just enjoy the love and attention I was receiving. It was my day of birth and I chose celebration and it was a beautiful way to rejoice with others over the occasion.
Birthday Flowers!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Goodbye Twenties!
Today is my birthday.
I usually don't make too much fuss about. It's usually a day that isn't on too many peoples radars or scopes or minds. It's a day that I know all about, but have, as I've gotten older, sort of shirked and shrugged off and let go by as it just doesn't seem to me that it's necessary to make a big deal about (after all, I'm just getting older). However, as sister one keeps reminding me, it is a day worth making a fuss over. Celebrate yourself, said she.
The last twenty years have been, well, interesting. Full of ups and downs, love and laughter, hardships and trials, learning, growing and being humbled. And the Lord has always remained constant and unchanging, helping me and holding me through each and every situation, surrounding me with just the right people at just the right moments knowing better than I do how much I need them.
So today I celebrate me. Me, the ill-tempered, bossy, overly-independent, I-don't-need-help, my-mouth-always-gets-me-in-trouble, gung-ho, loud and crazy adventurer who often gets myself way in over my head more often than not. With a sense of dread (will I become the crotchety old spinster with a dusty uterus and twenty cats? wait, do I even want my uterus to become dust free?) and curiosity (what lays in store for me in the future?!?!?!?! And who cares about spinsterhood and dusty uteruses and cats? Not everyone can find and have their Mr. Darcy too!!!! I can just take care of all my sister's children and teach them to play the pianoforte very ill!!!) I kiss my twenties goodbye and embrace my thirties (thirty, REALLY?! I don't feel that old) and await what's in store for the next thirty+ years I have to look forward too ... unless of course my clumsiness and accident-prone ways catch up with me before then in which case I'll broodily be pushed along in a wheel chair by those who I will refer to as "Minions" while I loudly complain to my crotchety cat, and anyone else within ear shot, about the weather, my ailments and medications, and bowel movements!
In any case, today I have my legs with which to walk around, not too many ailments that require meds (yet) and no cats to speak of, so I will celebrate Me on this, my day of birth!
I usually don't make too much fuss about. It's usually a day that isn't on too many peoples radars or scopes or minds. It's a day that I know all about, but have, as I've gotten older, sort of shirked and shrugged off and let go by as it just doesn't seem to me that it's necessary to make a big deal about (after all, I'm just getting older). However, as sister one keeps reminding me, it is a day worth making a fuss over. Celebrate yourself, said she.
The last twenty years have been, well, interesting. Full of ups and downs, love and laughter, hardships and trials, learning, growing and being humbled. And the Lord has always remained constant and unchanging, helping me and holding me through each and every situation, surrounding me with just the right people at just the right moments knowing better than I do how much I need them.
So today I celebrate me. Me, the ill-tempered, bossy, overly-independent, I-don't-need-help, my-mouth-always-gets-me-in-trouble, gung-ho, loud and crazy adventurer who often gets myself way in over my head more often than not. With a sense of dread (will I become the crotchety old spinster with a dusty uterus and twenty cats? wait, do I even want my uterus to become dust free?) and curiosity (what lays in store for me in the future?!?!?!?! And who cares about spinsterhood and dusty uteruses and cats? Not everyone can find and have their Mr. Darcy too!!!! I can just take care of all my sister's children and teach them to play the pianoforte very ill!!!) I kiss my twenties goodbye and embrace my thirties (thirty, REALLY?! I don't feel that old) and await what's in store for the next thirty+ years I have to look forward too ... unless of course my clumsiness and accident-prone ways catch up with me before then in which case I'll broodily be pushed along in a wheel chair by those who I will refer to as "Minions" while I loudly complain to my crotchety cat, and anyone else within ear shot, about the weather, my ailments and medications, and bowel movements!
In any case, today I have my legs with which to walk around, not too many ailments that require meds (yet) and no cats to speak of, so I will celebrate Me on this, my day of birth!
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