It's been a while since I've had any determination. It's come in spurts, but it's usually quickly tamed and shoved back into its "dark place" to continue to hibernate for a while while my mind frets, worries, over thinks and over exaggerates every major and minute detail of the pathetic state my life has become. Why, you might ask? Well, one word: depression.
I've never been depressed before and it's a very strange and unwelcome feeling. I've been sad, I've grieved, I've struggled, but never had outright depression. I'm not sure I've ever cried this much in life. (Am I actually admitting that????) I've never been so unhappy, so full of sorrow and so little joy... okay, absolutely no joy to speak of. I've never wanted to stay in bed and ignore the world around me as much as I have over the last two months. I've never wanted to run away as fast as my legs will take me to hide behind the hotter-n-hades weather and my family in Texas. Things I used to find funny, I just don't anymore. Things that used to be no big deal are now huge, looming, immoveable mountains. Things that I used to care about are now just things that I skeptically narrow my eyes at and think nasty, horrible thoughts about. Fights with The Boy that used to not exist have come almost every other day for two months, and the worst of it is, they've not ended and all I've done to deal with them is cry and fight and cry some more. And the worst part is I've never felt so far from God before in my life! Hymns, his word, sermons and teachings, exhortations, encouragements, nothing has seemed to help me no matter how hard I've tried.
I feel like I'm in the mire, struggling to get out and failing miserably with no hope in sight. I feel like quicksand has become my foundation for life, pulling me in faster and faster and faster. My days have become motions, quickly running together. I can say all the right words, I can have a smile on my face, I can act happy and natural, but inside it's a whole different story. My soul is tormented while a nasty self-destructive volcanic eruption takes over my life. I go to bed exhausted in every way imaginable way and yet can't sleep because my mind is constantly tossing to and for, like a ship in a fierce storm.
Since I've figured out what this horrible thing in my life is, and it is horrible, I am trying to take means to a) figure out where it's coming from, and b) combat it. I can't take anymore of this, honestly. What I have figured out is this: I live in a small village with a "dead" church, people who profess to be christians who are blind (figuratively) and the rest of the village out to get the rest of the us who have any iota of happiness. What makes it worse is that so few of us see this dilemma. With no encouragement spiritually from the church, no encouragement literally from the church, no joy and hope from church or the village, it's easy to see why one might become depressed. Oh, we have weekly bible study and church services and a church family get together on Friday nights and kid's club on Saturdays and yaddy, yaddy, yaddy, but it's all motions for most of us- we go because we need something from the church (i.e. money, food, clothes, help, etc), or because we're bored and have nothing else to do, or because we might get some free snacks and something to drink because our family has none, or because the people who are at the church aren't drunk and yelling at us or beating us, etc. We come, maybe listen, maybe understand something, maybe not, and go home. Nothing more, nothing less. We say the right "churchy" things and try to act the right way, but it's because we're told we're supposed to, not because we necessarily understand why we're supposed to.
You might ask yourself why I'm being so raw, so frank, so honest... maybe even a little judgmental? I'm not trying to judge anyone- Lord, in your mercy, forgive me if I am! I'm merely sharing what I see, I'm sharing the honest view of this place where I've lived and served for two years (and maybe this is a horrible idea on such a public forum). I've finally gotten to the point where I can't put on the happy face anymore and pretend like every thing's okay, that the church is functioning like the Acts 2 church should function. I can't keep pretending that I'm happy living here. I can't keep it inside anymore. I was so blind before, thinking how great it was, how the church seemed to be thriving. No, the longer I'm here, the more I see how lost the people are; I made all my past assumptions on what the people wanted me to see and hear, not on what they were really doing and saying and how they were acting. I've asked myself countless times over the last three or four months, where the Spirit of the Lord is in the people here. Where the spiritual growth is. And if the people here who claim to know God actually know God, which I know is a huge and heavy and strong statement to make and one I don't make lightly.
I was reading sister one's blog the other day and nearly started crying when I read this post. Crying because this is what I'm missing in my current church family and crying because there is hope for a community such as this in a church. Here's an excerpt from the post, though the entire post is excellent and worth reading:
"There is an incident, which I feel characterizes the folk that attend this church, which happened to me a few weeks back. I was talking to a woman whose mother is enduring a lengthy hospitalization as she recovers from emergency surgery. She said her almost daily visits found her mother much changed from day to day. “Sometimes she lies there asleep, not noticing me or able to stay awake long enough to eat a meal, sometimes she is alert and glad to see me. Sometimes the nurse thinks she is getting worse, sometimes the Dr. mentions how well she’s healing. I just don’t know what to think! It’s a constant roller coaster.”
And another women who had joined us, one that I might not have thought had much in common with her since one has a child in college and the other has children in preschool, said: “I’ll ride it with you.”
Just like that. They knew each other, they knew each other’s troubles, and the one was offering to help bear them as long as needed. I’ll ride it with you. I went home and told James about it and cried. That is the most amazing gift Christians can offer each other sometimes: I’ll ride it with you. "
"I'll ride it with you." This is what the church I attend doesn't have. This is what the church is missing. No one rides anything with anyone, myself included, not for lack of trying. Oh that the people would really know God, would really worship Him, would really understand what it means to walk with Him and be His child. Oh that the Spirit would move and give wisdom and guidance. Oh that we would have eyes to see and ears to hear to bear one another's burdens in love and compassion, and that it would help our head knowledge travel to our heart which would in turn travel to and through our hands and feet. I used to pray for this for our church faithfully. Now, I can barely pray for myself anymore.
It's little wonder I'm so depressed. It's little wonder I feel so alone, so spiritually dead, so lost. It's little wonder I find little joy in anything I do anymore. It's little wonder I drag myself to church functions. It's little wonder I don't want to see anyone when I walk outside or go to the shop or post office or bus stop.
I know this has been a very long post and I commend you if you've gotten this far. While I've been struggling, and being typical me haven't said a word and just kept it inside and tried to sort it out as best I can instead of seeking the help of fellow believers, I woke up this morning with determination. With some small shred of hope; a small voice that said, "Trust Me, walk in faith with Me. For I know the plans I have for you. Don't be so afraid and cowardly." (Okay, so I didn't actually here a voice, but that's what's ruminating inwardly right now as I struggle to come out of this mire, this pit of despair; to clear the falling volcanic ash in my soul.) For the first time in a while, hope is overcoming despair, excitement is overcoming dread and uncertainty. Am I back to my old self yet? No, but I'm feel like I might be making strides to get there. I feel like not all is lost and I am able to rise up and "grab life by the horns" (to borrow from an old Dodge Ram truck commercial). I feel there's some determination still in me clawing it's way out. I actually want to get something done today. I want to find some joy and happiness. And more than that, I want to draw close to the Lord today. I want to sing praises to him, I want to share in his joy and drop my burdens at His cross. I want to know Him. And most importantly I want to be utterly and wholly complete in Him.
Something The Boy pointed out to me the other day was that what happened in the past is forgiven at the Cross. It does no good to keep dwelling on it; it's over, forgiven. We should be dwelling on the now, the future and always looking to God to guide, not ourselves, asking the Holy Spirit to guide us as we take steps in faith. This spoke to me; while I've struggled with this depression and focused on myself and how miserable I am rather than God and how He can help me, I know that as I truly confess this it's taken and nailed to the cross along with all my other sins. It's over. It's forgiven. It's time to look forward not behind. It's time to find the joy in Him and Him alone. He is the joy of my salvation, my rock, my fortress. Unfailing, unending. And that gives me hope and determination, more than I've had in a very long time.
